I would say that I'm broken, that I have nothing left, that I can't go on, that nothing makes sense, that I walk around with my will and testament in my wallet now because I no longer feel comfortable with the idea of tomorrow. Have I been through this phase? Not like this. Have I been beaten down to my last breath and woken up in the hospital more times than I can count?! I kept going, why is this time any different? Do I still have a heart? Am I whole? Do I know who I am? Do I have direction? Which way is the wind blowing today? Have I served humankind in a selfless way? How did I ever recover in the past? It was never like this. I masked the pain from death and life, deployments, fights, abuse and abandonment with running until I couldn't feel the pain anymore, I still do and it isn't the same. I do pushups until I can't peel my face off of the floor, one hand, two hands, back and forth until I fall, rest and repeat. I study, I study hard.... am I studying the right subject? Where is the time going, is it time that got me through it all? So many questions now when before I had none.