Peeling away at layers and layers of self, I wonder what will be left. Possibly the torment of locked doors and molestation or maybe being held down and hit across the face. Maybe the last layer will smell like gunpowder or feel like a shockwave moving through me. One thing I do know is that there's a big difference between sand mud and clay mud after a heavy rain.

I've always despised decaf coffee. There's something about washing the beans with acetone that doesn't sit right. The regimine was all organic and pure water, distilled with added minerals or reverse osmosis.  Layers of self start to melt away when you become hyper disciplined. Is this the development of a new set of beliefs, morals, virtues or is it the destruction of the idea of even having them? Ancient grain coffee with no caffeine is the better choice. Rieshi mushroom tea always finds its way back into my life when discipline does. "There is pleasure in the pathless woods." -Lord Byron.

When surrounded by dozens of opinions on how we should be living our lives, remind the self that none of the sources of those opinions know all of the facts. You and only you know the facts.

Should those opinions even be entertained now? It would become exhausting for sure. The idea of having rules in life makes me cringe but actually applying a few rules here and there doesn't always make me feel bad.

When I was a kid I would walk through a chicken house barefooted and it not bother me, feeding them to have permission to ride horses anytime I wanted. I rode with a fox hunter, he was old and worn and I was just as worn at heart. Heels down, how many times had that saved my ass? How do I put my heels down now? I wish that fox hunter was still here to share more wisdom with me. Nights too drunk to walk I would find myself in an open field starring up at the stars surrounded by Arabians, they nudged me to check on me. I trusted them and they trusted me. 

Horses mirror our souls.  

Last month I joined an ant colony. Was it last month or was it years ago? Birds still chirping at 3AM, what are they talking about I wonder.

I wonder what it feels like to be free of me too.